Senate - Spring Carnival.
Welcome to the trackside commentary. We are covering the Senate big race meeting courtesy of our sponsors, the Malaysian Probity Quest. Our sponsors have, very kindly, ensured all we could possibly need has been thoughtfully provided – along with a script; no pressure, which they would be ‘so teddibly’ happy about, (delighted even) if we could work some of the lines into our commentary. Well folks, you all know how this works from previous racing carnivals; and, know that spruiking ‘sponsored’ work is not really our forte. However. The facilities are marvellous and perhaps, at least until the end of the last race – we may have a kindly word for the unneeded ‘sponsors’; we do have our own and – corporate loyalty rules.
Three big prize races in the main program are of interest – Race to the Bottom Cup; Spin Doctors Trophy; and, the big one; Fiscal Probity Stakes. We will, in due course, go ‘track side’ and get the latest from our own ‘sponsored’ touts and bagmen. (Sponsored as in we buy the beers, they ‘tell all’). (Aside: off mike; -to some PC fool dressed in green) What? WTD - it’s a time honoured tradition, ya eedjit.
As its so early and everything is set up for us, we have the luxury of time to discuss the actual events, and the specially prepared track before looking at the runners and the odds.
Race 3)- ‘Race to the Bottom’ Cup. Ghee whizz punters – what a race; and bloody hard to pick a winner to boot. Do you know there has never (not ever) been a clear winner of this race? Well, ‘tis true. Every time, in living memory, the event has been run it ended in a photo finish – no bull. Every time, you could throw a blanket over the first three across the line. Drives the Stewards nuts; when they must decide between a nostril hair, a chin whisker or a long top lip exactly ‘who won’. Makes it hell for the punters – same old runners, same old jockeys, same old bloodlines, from the same old stables. There are, of course always ‘rumours’ of the ‘fix’ being in; but serious pundits denounce that notion. They see it as being more along the lines of an ‘investment’; when two of the three stables are doing ‘well’ they are quite happy to let the third ‘win’. That way they control the ‘Mystique’ the kudos and the investors. You can see how it works; the ASA stable entry in all kinds of financial bother, the ATSB entry has multiple problems of the ethical sort; but the CASA has just announced a change of jockey and so they are, temporarily out of the do-do. It is, dear punters. all a question of ‘ratio’s’ and dollars. We shall, in due course announce the entrants. There is no news, thus far, if the DoiT will actually bother entering this year; who knows?
Race 4)- Spin Doctors Trophy. What can anyone say about the marvellous spectacle this race appears to provide, every year. It is the stuff of legend, a miracle, an education and the greatest challenge of all, for the punters. Seriously, it is. Some of the many entries have bamboozled the ICAO syndicate, using unofficial ‘form’ guides, generated by a little fellah in Putney, who manages to convince that the form presented is accurate. Like this – “Lord Quick-as-a-flash” has done the five furlong trial at record speed; amazing. What the punters guide fails to mention is that the race is seven furlongs and LQAaF needed a tow truck to get it back to stables after the five. Such is the art of spinning the ‘form’ to get the ‘odds’ right. Then ’spinning’ the living Bejasus out of ‘the facts and circumstances’. Short odds on all entries – only way I can survive; at least that’s what I want you to believe.
Race 5)-Probity Stakes. Our tent is being filled by beautiful damsels, bearing all manner of goodies. The aroma of fresh coffee laced with some form of exotic, high proof brew is beckoning us away from our work. Probity is, as any lawyer worth a squirt will tell you, (gratis) - overrated and mostly a fabrication of those buying the drinks and paying for lunch.
Alas, the flesh is weak, the appetite jaded and; as horse races are a daily event. the Fiscal Probity Stakes can wait, until refreshments have bee served and enjoyed. Perhaps then, we shall, should the muse descend, discuss the Probity Stakes. We shall see.
Toot toot.
Welcome to the trackside commentary. We are covering the Senate big race meeting courtesy of our sponsors, the Malaysian Probity Quest. Our sponsors have, very kindly, ensured all we could possibly need has been thoughtfully provided – along with a script; no pressure, which they would be ‘so teddibly’ happy about, (delighted even) if we could work some of the lines into our commentary. Well folks, you all know how this works from previous racing carnivals; and, know that spruiking ‘sponsored’ work is not really our forte. However. The facilities are marvellous and perhaps, at least until the end of the last race – we may have a kindly word for the unneeded ‘sponsors’; we do have our own and – corporate loyalty rules.
Three big prize races in the main program are of interest – Race to the Bottom Cup; Spin Doctors Trophy; and, the big one; Fiscal Probity Stakes. We will, in due course, go ‘track side’ and get the latest from our own ‘sponsored’ touts and bagmen. (Sponsored as in we buy the beers, they ‘tell all’). (Aside: off mike; -to some PC fool dressed in green) What? WTD - it’s a time honoured tradition, ya eedjit.
As its so early and everything is set up for us, we have the luxury of time to discuss the actual events, and the specially prepared track before looking at the runners and the odds.
Race 3)- ‘Race to the Bottom’ Cup. Ghee whizz punters – what a race; and bloody hard to pick a winner to boot. Do you know there has never (not ever) been a clear winner of this race? Well, ‘tis true. Every time, in living memory, the event has been run it ended in a photo finish – no bull. Every time, you could throw a blanket over the first three across the line. Drives the Stewards nuts; when they must decide between a nostril hair, a chin whisker or a long top lip exactly ‘who won’. Makes it hell for the punters – same old runners, same old jockeys, same old bloodlines, from the same old stables. There are, of course always ‘rumours’ of the ‘fix’ being in; but serious pundits denounce that notion. They see it as being more along the lines of an ‘investment’; when two of the three stables are doing ‘well’ they are quite happy to let the third ‘win’. That way they control the ‘Mystique’ the kudos and the investors. You can see how it works; the ASA stable entry in all kinds of financial bother, the ATSB entry has multiple problems of the ethical sort; but the CASA has just announced a change of jockey and so they are, temporarily out of the do-do. It is, dear punters. all a question of ‘ratio’s’ and dollars. We shall, in due course announce the entrants. There is no news, thus far, if the DoiT will actually bother entering this year; who knows?
Race 4)- Spin Doctors Trophy. What can anyone say about the marvellous spectacle this race appears to provide, every year. It is the stuff of legend, a miracle, an education and the greatest challenge of all, for the punters. Seriously, it is. Some of the many entries have bamboozled the ICAO syndicate, using unofficial ‘form’ guides, generated by a little fellah in Putney, who manages to convince that the form presented is accurate. Like this – “Lord Quick-as-a-flash” has done the five furlong trial at record speed; amazing. What the punters guide fails to mention is that the race is seven furlongs and LQAaF needed a tow truck to get it back to stables after the five. Such is the art of spinning the ‘form’ to get the ‘odds’ right. Then ’spinning’ the living Bejasus out of ‘the facts and circumstances’. Short odds on all entries – only way I can survive; at least that’s what I want you to believe.
Race 5)-Probity Stakes. Our tent is being filled by beautiful damsels, bearing all manner of goodies. The aroma of fresh coffee laced with some form of exotic, high proof brew is beckoning us away from our work. Probity is, as any lawyer worth a squirt will tell you, (gratis) - overrated and mostly a fabrication of those buying the drinks and paying for lunch.
Alas, the flesh is weak, the appetite jaded and; as horse races are a daily event. the Fiscal Probity Stakes can wait, until refreshments have bee served and enjoyed. Perhaps then, we shall, should the muse descend, discuss the Probity Stakes. We shall see.
Toot toot.